so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
