R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
