i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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