I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
