Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
