No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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