WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
