one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
