Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
