why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
