you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
