I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
