I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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