i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
True strength comes from lack of pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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