That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
