my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
