I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
