Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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