Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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