He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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