i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
