I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
