i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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