The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
