yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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