I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
