thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
