It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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