everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
