took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
