he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
