I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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