He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
