My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
