First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
