I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
