Will you blow on my dice?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
