Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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