She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
