I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
