Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
