Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize