i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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