Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my poor anus
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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