Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i think my cat just said my name.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
