i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
