I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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