My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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