I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
