so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
