gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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