I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
