I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
